The Heart of Parenting: Sibling fights

I am glad you are asking this question now, while your children are young, because you have years and years of sibling fighting ahead of you! This is a good time to start practicing your skills to Stay Out of Your Children's Fights! Even when it seems that one child is hurting the other child--it is better not to intervene. The only exception, and it is an important one, is if the child "victim" is trapped in any way. Then it isn't a fair fight. But, usually, the "victim" child wouldn't dream of leaving the scene of the fight because they are having such a good time!

Children who fight are actually children who are cooperating in order to have a fight. They are much more likely to cooperate to keep the fight safe, if you aren't involved. In fact, fights often escalate when parents get involved, because the kids give the responsibility for safety to the parents instead of taking on their own responsibility.

A few years ago, I met with a couple of brothers who were brought in by their mother to talk to me about their fighting. As a single mother, she was worn out by their daily battles, and she was hoping I could make her children stop fighting with each other. I asked the boys how their fights would typically go, and they described them to me with great relish. When I wondered how many times they had to go the emergency room, or get other medical attention for their injuries, they looked at me with pure shock. While they occasionally got bruises or red marks from their wrestling, there had never been anything more serious. I asked the boys how this could be, that two such skillful and enthusiastic fighters had never had any injuries. "He's my brother!" said the older boy, "I would never hurt him!" "So, you keep your fights fair and fun?" I asked. "Sure," the boys told me, though they admitted that sometimes they miscalculated and it got too rough. When that happened, and especially when someone was really getting hurt, they would pull back to make it safe again.

I realize that it might be a stretch to see children's fights as cooperation. But, consider this; neither of your little girls is paying any attention to you when you try to intervene. The "bully" keeps on pushing and shoving, and the "victim" keeps screaming. Why doesn't the victim get up and go do something else? Maybe, it is because she is enjoying staying there and bugging her sister. Don't ever assume that the "bully" has the most power in sibling fights. The "victim" is often far craftier at both starting the fight and at getting revenge. At the same time, don't assume that your little "bully" isn't capable of caring for and cooperating with her sister. At 3 ½ , she is practicing her beginning leadership skills by pushing and shoving her sister where she would like to make her go. I would imagine that she will figure out fairly quickly that pushing and shoving aren't going to work for her--especially if you stay out of her way and let her figure this out for herself. Once she realizes that pushing and shoving aren't working, she can move on to more sophisticated methods of influence and coercion!

The important thing to remember is that children fight together for many of the same reasons that they play together. Fighting is about entertainment, stress release, conflict resolution, and self defense. Children need to fight with each other to learn and practice these skills. Your little "bully" needs to learn more effective ways to cooperate with her sister. Your little "victim" needs to learn better ways to protect her interests than merely sitting in place and screaming.

The next time you hear your girls screaming at each other, give them a big smile and thumbs up, to say "Keep practicing girls! I'm sure you can figure it out!" and then go put in your ear protectors .

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). This summer, she is giving 3 popular talks at PEP, on "Setting Limits With Extra Challenging Children," "Helping Anxious Children," and "Motivating Children to Do Their Best." Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.