The Heart of Parenting: How was your day?

I had to laugh when I got your letter, "Not Communicating," because your complaint is so familiar. The old "How was your day?" question must be hard-wired into our DNA as parents, because we all seem to ask our children the same question when we see them at the end of the day!

As a family therapist, I love communication and I've seen how it can connect people with love and understanding. But, family conversation can also become routine and boring between people who live together and who know each other very well. That's unfortunate, because asking personal questions and receiving non-answers in reply can easily be misinterpreted as, "He doesn't want to talk to me" or "She thinks that I'm being nosy."

I think the problem you and other parents experience when you ask the same question, "How was your day?" comes from the fact that it is such a routine question. For instance, when someone asks you the very routine question, "How are you?," you probably assume that they only want a very brief answer, without many details.

Shifting to questions that are more interesting will prompt a child's interest in giving answers that are more interesting. Asking different questions, about different topics, sends the signal that you are interested in your child's experiences and that you would really like to know more about them.

For young children, who are so skillful at living in the present, a question like "How did you do today?" is too broad and general. Younger children do better when they have specific prompts to help them remember interesting things that happened at different times during their day. Questions about details, such as "Who did you sit next to at circle time?," "Did anything surprising happen in school today?," or "What new things did you notice on your walk to school today?" will prompt your children to remember more and tell you about their day.

Middle-aged children are paying a lot of attention to their friends and the other students, and their most interesting stories are often about them. "Who got into trouble at school today?" is a question that always results in a good story! Other questions about friends and other kids can include, "Who is your best friend right now?," "What are your friends interested in these days?" and "What are the popular/unpopular kids doing these days?"

Another answer to the problem of asking kids about their day comes from parenting expert and author, Dr. Charles Fay. He recommends what he calls the "30 Minute Rule." Knowing that children watch what adults do and say very closely, his rule teaches children how to share the news of their day by modeling it for them.

So, for at least a couple of months, Dr. Fay recommends avoiding the temptation to ask your children any questions during the first 30 minutes when you see them at the end of the day. Instead, you can talk enthusiastically about your own day. For example, you might say: "Hi honey, it's good to see you. You'll never guess what I got to do today... And not only that, I learned...and I heard...and I couldn't wait to tell you about it. Gosh, I hope you had a great day, today, too!"

After doing this for a while, Dr. Fay predicts that, one day, you'll hear something like, "But Mom, let me go first! I want to tell you about my day!"

Thank you for your question, "Not Communicating." As social beings, we are all somewhat vulnerable when we say "good bye" and "hello again" to our loved ones. Learning how to share interesting conversations with your children about your times apart from each other is an important way to keep your family loving and strong.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). In May, she is leading an Open Forum Counseling session with a family on the topic of "Afraid to Try, Quick to Cry." Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.