The Heart of Parenting: Motivation

Many times, though, motivation is really about using intimidation and fear to excite greater performance. So why does it work so often? I think it is because, for adults especially, they are choosing to buy into the motivation. If the football player doesn't want the coach screaming at him, he can leave the team. If the saleswoman doesn't want to play along with bonus system, she can find another job.

Many parents also look for ways to "motivate" their child to do something in ways that are just thinly disguised manipulation. No wonder these efforts often fail! Kids are very adept at sniffing out any attempts to pressure or persuade them to do something, especially when a parent or a teacher attempts to motivate a child through fear of embarrassment, fear of failure, or fear of losing a reward. These attempts are likely to be met with resistance and rebellion.

Fortunately, it's not hard for parents to help their children develop their own self-motivation. Drawing from years and years of educational research, here are the simple truths about how to inspire children to strive for success in school, and in life:

• Anger, criticism, and disappointment do NOT work! Children, like all of us, respond better in a relationship when they feel valued and respected. Kids who feel a close bond with their parents show better class participation, express more self-confidence, and have higher grade point averages. Nurturing a positive relationship with your child goes a long way towards raising a confident child.

• Competition or doing something to please others does NOT work! Encouraging your child to set their own goals, and to focus on the tasks that need to be done, is more effective than asking them to "make us proud!" or "be the best!" A question I like to ask is, "What is the grade you would be willing to work for and proud to receive?"

• Rewards can sometimes work, but only if they keep increasing. Otherwise, kids quickly lose interest, and their work effort falls below where they started. So, be forewarned, paying children to make good grades will become very expensive. I have heard of parents who offer a trip to Hawaii in return for straight A's.

• Encourage your child to make the connection between their interests and their future goals. "Success" is a vague concept for most kids, but every child I talk to would like to live a life that is at least as comfortable and interesting as the life they live with their parents. Making the connection between work effort and attaining personal goals as concrete and close to their own experience as possible helps children begin to see how they can work for their own best interests.

• Taking on risks and challenges inspires self-motivation--but only when mistakes are viewed as a natural part of learning. A mistake-friendly attitude allows every experience to be a learning experience, and new opportunities to grow more courage.

• Focusing on personal progress, not performance, encourages self-motivation. A study at the University of Michigan found that college kids had the highest grade point averages when personal improvement and an emphasis on learning for its own sake were their goals, compared to all of the other students who were focused on pleasing others or avoiding unpleasant consequences.

Competition, shame, rewards, and punishment are powerful emotional tools that diminish motivation. Encouraging children to discover and grow their own motivation for learning and school success is the best work that parents can do to motivate their child.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.