Chapter 27. Coming Out
After the evening with her parents, Rita Jane needed to take a walk and clear her head. Dan said goodnight, and Rita Jane walked around the neighborhood in the chilly February night. The weathermen had predicted snow, and the air felt thick with moisture. Rita Jane hoped that it did snow. She loved the way it coated the city and made everything clean and pretty. Life slowed down when it snowed.
When she returned from her walk, she saw the lights on at Claudia’s and decided spontaneously to knock on the door.
Claudia answered the door dressed in a t-shirt and boxer shorts that exposed her long, strong legs. Her unkempt hair made her look younger and less serious than she usually did.
“Well, hello,” Claudia said with a mixture of surprise and pleasure.
“Sorry to come by so late,” Rita Jane said realizing that it was past 10 o’clock on a Sunday night and Claudia would likely be going to bed soon. “I just had dinner with my parents and I’m too wired to go to sleep.”
“Its fine, come in,” Claudia said. “Would you like some tea?”
Rita Jane plopped onto the soft couch. Legal documents covered the coffee table. She glanced at them surreptitiously, wondering if she was violating some confidentiality rules by reading it. When she heard Claudia come in from the kitchen, she quickly looked away.
“Sorry for the mess,” Claudia said clearing off a space on the table for the tea. “What’s up? You look upset?”
“I told my parents about the baby,” Rita Jane said. “Dan came, too, although I kind of wish he hadn’t. He’s never going to let me forget it.”
“Oh,” Claudia said. “Maybe you need something a stronger than tea.”
She walked over to a cabinet and retrieved a bottle of whiskey. Rita Jane thought to protest but didn’t bother. The drink burned going down, making her shudder and wince, but warming her up. After a few sips, she relaxed, letting the stress of the evening dissolve, like water on a hot surface.
“I guess it didn’t go too well?”
“You could say that,” Rita Jane replied. “They think I’m crazy, but I suppose it is a crazy idea. I feel like this is my fault. I practically forced you into having the baby. You probably would have had an abortion.”
Claudia’s reached over and squeezed Rita Jane’s hand. Her hair smelled like ginger.
“I wouldn’t say you forced me into having a kid. Dan and I did that on our own. We’re just trying to make the best of a challenging situation. And you will be a good parent. We’ll all be good parents.”
Claudia leaned over to hug her, and Rita Jane hugged back and turned her head in so that Claudia was holding her. Claudia stroked her hair like her mother had when she was a little girl. Rita Jane felt intensely aware of the touch. A little shiver went down her spine. The tea warmed her from the inside out and Claudia’s soft touch calmed her.
Rita Jane had a habit of taking mental pictures, using her memory like a camera, to record happy moments – the sights, the smells, the sensations. She stored the happy memories until later when she needed to be cheered up. Rita Jane recorded this memory of Claudia.
Rita Jane swore it was Claudia who made the first move, although afterwards they would debate the point endlessly. She felt Claudia move and then she moved, too, melting into the softness of Claudia – her lips, her skin, her hair. Their mouths connected and soon they were tearing at each other’s clothes, searching for each other with an intensity that surprised them both. Rita Jane let Claudia lead since she was a novice at loving women. Claudia’s moans of pleasure reassured her that she was doing something right. Afterwards, they lay, entwined on the couch, in that state of afterglow where everything in the world seems wonderful, covered by an afghan blanket.
“That was a…ma…zing,” Rita Jane said, slowly, as if she were in a trance. “I’ve never come with a woman before. Except myself, of course.”
“I’ve been thinking about doing that for a while,” Claudia said.
”Really?” Rita Jane asked. “I had no idea?”
“You’re joking,” Claudia said. “I thought it was obvious. “I’ve been attracted to you since I first met you, but I thought you were straight….” She let the thought trail off unfinished.
“I am,” Rita Jane said. “Or I at least I was. If I have sex with a woman, does that make me a lesbian?”
“No, Claudia said. It’s not only about sex, it’s about love. You’re a lesbian if your emotional and sexual attachment is to women. It’s the attachment that makes a person gay.”
Rita Jane pondered that thought. She had always had close women friends and men friends. Dan was her best friend in the world. Sex had never been an issue with them, or at least not one they had ever discussed openly. There had been times in the thirty years of their friendship that she had fantasized about what it would be like to be with Dan, but that had been a while ago. Now sex with Dan would have felt incestuous. It was ironic that she and Dan had been lovers with the same woman. In an odd way that she couldn’t explain, it made her feel closer to him.
“It’s funny,” Rita Jane said. “My father asked me tonight if I was a lesbian. I said no, of course.”
“Perhaps you’ll change your mind about that?” Claudia said.
“Perhaps,” Rita Jane said and they kissed until Rita Jane forgot about her parents and Dan and motherhood and everything, lost in a fleeting sensation of perfect connection.