Wrapping up all the loose ends in their final session this year, the city council banned all gas-powered devices including leaf-blowers, lawnmowers, automobiles, trucks, buses, aircraft, and trains. They "municipalized" every telephone pole in town, seizing them from the utility companies and declaring them "free speech zones" where citizens are allowed to post lost-pet notices. The council passed an ordinance ordering the police to taser all WSSC contractors found working within city limits after January 1, 2009.

Men are such liars! Especially men from the WSSC! Oh, they were SO heartfelt back in March, when the head of the Silgo Creek Parkway construction project stood up, looked the city council squarely in the eye, and pledged to take "personal interest" in making sure the job was done on time and to the community's satisfaction.

And what was "on time?" 90 days, he said. As an afterthought he added "Six months at the very most."

Score one for Councilmember Clay who three weeks ago was pooh-poohed by her colleagues (and a certain commentator) when she asked if the city was prepared for spontaneous street demonstrations on Election Day eve. More longtime residents on the council assured her that such spontaneous demonstrations don't happen in the politically-jaded Washington DC metro area.

As it happened spontaneous celebrations DID break out shortly after it became apparent that Barack Obama had won. Not only in front of the White House and on U Street in Washington DC, but right here in Takoma Park.

Are you feeling all right? You look sort of under the weather and a bit flushed. Do you have a fever? Was that a cough? Gee, we hope it's not THE FLU! 'Cause, if it is, it might be the beginning of the PANDEMIC, the spread of a particularly virulent strain of influenza that may be sweeping the planet this year as fast as birds (it's an avian flu), airplanes, sneezing, doorknob touching, and french-kissing can spread it. IF, that is, a nasty avian flu mutates so it can spread among humans, a possibility great enough to make federal and international health organizations extremely nervous.

But, you've known about this for ages, right, Dear Reader? And you have an emergency plan for when suddenly half the population is more occupied with being sick as a dog (or in this case a bird) instead of being at their workplace. You are totally prepared for the possibility that hospitals, police and fire stations, subway trains, power plants, grocery stores, and city hall will be crippled by reduced staff, and less able to provide protection, food, warmth, and curbside recycling, right? Right?

Well, if YOU aren't, Dear Reader, Wolfgang is! Wolfgang Mergner is the co-chair, along with Police Chief Ronald Ricucci, of the city's Emergency Preparedness Committee. In their Oct. 27th report to the Takoma Park city council they assured them that there is indeed a set of contingency plans for various emergencies such as a pandemic.

DING! Round Two of the Blower Ban Bout goes to Mayor "Battlin' Bruce" Williams. Roused out of his stunned silence in Round One last week after "Citizen Seth" Grimes socked him with a letter proposing a city ban on gas-powered leaf blowers, Williams this week jumped into action with a deft sidestep.

With moves worthy of his predecessor and coach former mayor Kathy Porter, Williams used all the passive-aggressive powers at his command, never directly challenging the proposal, even acquiescing to a hearing on the subject (in January), but noting with his best concerned-dad face that the city has never "banned things," and wondering aloud if, gee, that would be "an effective course of action." He said it could be part of a discussion of an overall 5 year environmental plan for the city already being formulated.

Perhaps, he said, the city's Committee on the Environment should have an expanded role and membership, slyly suggesting some of the 31 signers of the Blower Ban letter might like to join.

The mayor, his wet blanket oozing all over the podium, listed probable exceptions to a blower-ban: elderly people, landscapers, schools, public parks, etc.

While the city council pondered the parsing of their official priorities list, a group of citizens stepped up to the microphone with a bold call for action. The city should ban gas-powered leaf blowers, said Seth Grimes, representing a group of 31 local activists.

Blowers are a noxious source of pollutants and noise, said the group, and they called on Mayor Bruce Williams to "schedule a City Council work session as soon as practicable" to devise a plan to phase them out.

As smoke filled the Takoma Park city council chambers, it was a wonder anyone could see the slides being projected onto the screen. The presentation was by EYA, the developer of the housing project proposed for the Takoma Station Metro green space. The smoke had two sources, Takoma Parkian's burning anger, and EYA's smoldering disdain.

Pathetic is the only way to describe EYA's presentation. Their changes were minimal and they brought no experts qualified to explain most of them. They admitted that the profit to EYA on the entire project was "marginal, " that the only reason they were there was due to pressure from the Maryland governor's office, that they might not actually make the changes they were presenting, and they didn't really care what Takoma Park thought, they were going ahead with it.

Here it is the first sentence of our post and we're already exhausted from wrestling with our inner punster. Must. Resist. Doggedly.

This is the chief's fault! Takoma Park Police Chief Ronald Ricucci wants dogs! He wants not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR dogs. These are working police dogs, of course, dogs trained to sniff out drugs and people. The city had two dogs and retired one, which the chief wants to replace. He's asked the council for a third dog, and wishes for a fourth.

Bless their big bureaucratic hearts, the city council conscientiously tapped on the brakes just before they drove a steamroller over lost-pet owners, yard- and bake-sale holders, local bands, and protest-groups.

They actually reconsidered supporting Sick of Signs Week. In the end they voted for it (split 3 to 4) but not before concluding that Takoma Park's sign ordinance needs to be reviewed.

As Your Gilbert -- toasted citywide as the "Paul Revere of Takoma Park" -- warned in our last post, the city government is holding a "Sick of Signs" week Sept. 20-27. Citizens are encouraged to tear down all illegal signs posted around the city and bring them in for prizes.

What's an illegal sign, you ask?

What did you do on YOUR summer vacation? Your Gilbert went off-planet for most of the summer, and did not once think about Takoma Park or how we might bring back some alien practice or idea to improve it. Not so the city council! At the first meeting of the fall, they vied to out brownie-point each other by suggesting city government wonkery they'd like to transplant here from their vacation spots such as Maine, Cape Cod, and Costa Rica.

Clearly our overly dedicated elected officials did not get enough rest this summer - as further evidenced by the turgid, sometimes tense discussion at the Sept. 2 council meeting.