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Magical Thinking
September 2007 |
And sadly, although I was the person who first introduced them to magic, and made it fun for my kids, now it is my solemn task to pop the iridescent bubble of their illusions. It’s my job to show my kids the difference between the life they wish they have and the real world they live in. It’s not that I like spoiling their fun, but the alternative—which is providing my kids with the 5-star hotel service of their fantasies—is infinitely worse. So, sorry kids, and welcome to the real world.
When my children were young, I happily introduced them to the world of childhood magic. I delighted in sharing wishes on evening stars and birthday cake candles. I spun elaborate stories about Santa Claus, tooth fairies, and Easter bunnies for them. To be honest, I was a magical thinking enabler for my kids. I helped them write letters and put out cookies for Santa. I tiptoed into their rooms after they were asleep to feel around for a tiny tooth under their pillow and to leave some shiny coins in its place. I sprayed their rooms with “monster preventative” aerosol from the plant mister. Admittedly, I probably went too far when I encouraged them to put out miniature foods and drinks for the fairy’s midsummer’s eve parties—but, I didn’t care because it was so much fun! I ignored my husband when he rolled his eyes with skepticism. I was so certain that every child benefitted from imaginary, magical play.
Now I am afraid I overdid it.
Not that my teenagers still believe in Santa Claus and tooth fairies, but they (like many other kids their age) are showing no sign of giving up magical thinking completely in order to face the hard realities of life. Instead, their magical thinking has evolved from believing in gifts appearing under the Christmas tree into a new and more advanced form of magic. Adolescent magical thinking is based primarily on how they wished the world would work for them, despite all evidence to the contrary.
This is how magical thinking works for older kids: Ice cube trays will refill themselves and get put back in the freezer automatically. Milk, juice cartons, boxes of popsicles, and ice cream cartons stay cold indefinitely on the counter. Crumbs, bread wrappers, cutting boards, mustard, lunch meat, etc., will disappear on their own. Wet towels left on the bathroom floor, the bedroom floor, the hallway floor, wherever…will hang themselves up to dry. Shoes, books, makeup, dvd’s, magazines, pens and paper cause no problem for anyone when left scattered around the sofa, the stairs, the floor, the table, or wherever they were last used. Amazingly, the shoes, books, makeup, dvd’s, magazines, pens and paper may even become invisible to the kids—while remaining perfectly visible to us muggles (I mean parents).
One of the signs that kids are stubbornly holding onto magical thinking is the look of innocent confusion on their faces when they are reminded that no one else wants to pick up after them. It is touching to note their surprise when it is pointed out to them that their belongings are scattered all around, and that these things are not, in fact, invisible to others. They seem genuinely bewildered when reminded that their family does not employ servants, drudges, house elves, or anyone else who is willing to follow them around and make their lives comfortable and easy.
And sadly, although I was the person who first introduced them to magic, and made it fun for my kids, now it is my solemn task to pop the iridescent bubble of their illusions. It’s my job to show my kids the difference between the life they wish they have and the real world they live in. It’s not that I like spoiling their fun, but the alternative—which is providing my kids with the 5-star hotel service of their fantasies—is infinitely worse. So, sorry kids, and welcome to the real world.
(I keep learning the hard way that nagging, yelling, cajoling, etc. is the worst way to make kids grow up and take responsibility for their own messes. I suppose it’s because nagging, yelling, cajoling, etc. means essentially treating the kids as if they are too dumb to ever WANT to pick up after themselves without being pushed, prodded, and threatened. Also, by the time the kids are into their teens, they know that your nagging, etc. is basically a joke. If they are polite, they won’t actually laugh in your face, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll voluntarily start cleaning up after themselves either.)
And so, I end up doing the same thing I’ve done a million times before, and I’ll keep on doing it until the little dears leave home. I don’t do my part until they do their part. If they go slow, I go slow. If they are on strike, I join them on the picket line. I don’t fight ‘em, I join ‘em.
This means, in effect, that if the kitchen is not clean, then I wait to cook for the family until it is cleaned up. If they leave their stuff out (after one friendly reminder) it gets bagged and put away—far, far, far away. If the bread turns stale, the ice cream melts and the milk tastes funny, then that’s what happens—that’s how it is in real life.
It’s not magic, and I admit this with genuine regret, but real world consequences are the best way I have found to teach kids how to live in the real world.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington and a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). For a free parent handout with more information about balancing affection and responsibility, or to contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.
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