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A look at bipolar disorder from within
By Nicholas Ruggia
TUEsday, April 17, 2007
I always knew something was wrong when the lights on the street started to look funny, breaking off into patterns and pulsating at the center, growing, expanding and solidifying in sharp beams. It was usually followed by shaking and paralytic anxiety, but sometimes by intense laughter and absurd thought instead. I would go somewhere private and wait for it to be over. I usually couldn’t handle being in public during my episodes.
For awhile I thought it happened to everyone, but as my teenage years progressed, the mood swings got worse, and the problem behavior and negative thought patterns intensified and challenged my ability to live normally. I hardly went to classes except to hand in papers and take tests. I laid in bed a lot. It never occurred to me as a possibility that I was one of the five million Americans who suffer from bipolar disorder.
Bipolar disorder, once known as manic-depression, is a mental health condition that is centered around unpredictable, intense mood states cycling between periods of intense euphoria or irritability, characterized by reckless, risk-taking behavior (mania), and intense depression and lack of energy.
“It’s real confusing. It’s hard to decipher how much is your action and how much is the action of the illness,” said Joe Trevisan, a 3rd-year English major at the University of Maryland, College Park.
Trevisan suffers from type-1 bipolar disorder. Before medication he experienced intense psychotic behavior resulting from hypomania, or long manic states.
Bipolarity is a risky state of mind, as many feel it is linked to increased creativity and innovative thinking, but it comes coupled with high risks of suicide, complete insanity and addiction.
“If there is a gift in having a mental illness such as bipolar or depression, (it is on an) individual level.” Said Keith Romero, director of communications at the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA).
The illness is a serious strain on the life of bipolar people, and the bouts of erratic behavior leave many in dire situations and with questions about who they really are: the rational person or the person produced by the disease.
For me, when I was untreated, I frequently acted against my character. Normally I was funny, sociable and intuitive, but there were many days when I was irritable, angry or cruel with friends. I would go home and think that I was bad. As I got older the dangers of a bad day got worse with the availability of new levels of troublesome behavior.
“I was constantly told by…anyone I came in contact with that it was all my fault…That I was a bad parent.” Said Lynne Warberg, mother of Sam, an early-onset bipolar mid- teen. “I didn’t really get any help with good medication until he was 11.”
Sam, typical of someone with early onset bipolar disorder, experiences rapid cycling, or seemingly constant switches from high and low during the day.
“Sam gets mad in the morning.” Warberg quipped.
Both Sam and I had a hard time getting diagnosed bipolar. We were both originally diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and medicated for that. While on ADHD medication, my mood swings got worse because the medication is chemically similar to speed, which triggers and enhances mania. I was also diagnosed with major depression and wondered why the good times in my life were often simultaneous with the worst depressions. Sam had many other conflicting diagnoses.
Diagnosis is the hardest part of treating bipolar disorder according to Romero, of DBSA, but he thinks awareness is increasing.
“Greater awareness to the symptoms of bipolar disorder and also an increased willingness to seek treatment (are helping people get diagnosed).” Said Romero. “One of the things that we do know that prevents people from getting treatment is stigma.”
When I sat in the office of my psychiatrist and received the diagnosis last June I went numb. My leg shook violently. I cried when I was back in the car. For months I struggled with the idea of being disabled and mentally unstable.
Diagnosis “feels like a punch to the stomach…a sense of loss. That you are somehow broken. Why me? And its really important that the minute you get a diagnosis you educate yourself and your loved ones.” Romero said.
I wasn’t sure there was real hope to get better, a feeling that is widespread, and often persists long after the treatments start.
“I think I’ll be on medication my whole life.” Said Trevisan. “I have not been stable for most of my life.”
Romero feels differently despite a huge recurrence rate.
“There is always hope. Recovery is possible by following the four steps. From our perspective, that’s what works for our constituents”
The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance focuses on a four-pronged recovery plan: medication, personal therapy, peer support and a personal wellness plan. If you feel that you or someone you care about may be bipolar you should seek the immediate opinion of a professional. You can contact the DBSA at www.dbsalliance.org.
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