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Keeping Resolutions Queries for Carrie January 2007

Query: Is there any way to keep New Year's resolutions? I abandoned last year's goals before the end of January. This year I really want to make some serious changes to some of my habits. I've got some weight I want to lose. I want to cut the refined flours and grains from my diet. I want to get my body strong and flexible, so I'm thinking about yoga classes. And I really want a better handle on my temper. What would you recommend?

-- Ready on Rochester

Carrie: When you want to establish or break habits in your daily life, it's easier with a buddy. Find a friend or relative who also wants to lose weight, manage their eating more intentionally or join a movement class. You may want more than one buddy to assist you in all these different goals. Not everyone's good for the ambitious agenda you've set for yourself in the New Year.

Call that friend to check in, and make dates to do things together that support your common goals. Keep a journal to record what you're going through, and to give yourself a place to vent over your shortcomings and to fantasize about the successes you anticipate. The more real and integral to your life you make these objectives, the more likely you are to be able to stick with your resolutions.

Remember that body routines require repetitions to become fixed patterns. Take as many yoga classes as you can in the first weeks of the year. When you've sorted out what works with your schedule and which instructors and modes of yoga best suit your needs, you'll be primed to keep going. Find only a quarter hour a day to practice the poses you've been working on in class. Don't insist on spending too much time on this new activity, or it will wear too big a hole in your existing schedule.

Shift your diet gradually to whole grains. Your weight will begin to drop as a function of the increased exercise and decreased empty, fiber-deprived calories. Set your goals in terms of the servings of foods that you do want, rather than focusing on the foods you're eliminating. Again, a buddy will make this process less tedious and give you a sense of community. If you're not suffering in isolation, you'll be able to get farther towards your dreams of a fresh, fit self. Good luck.

Query: My godmother gave my sister and me a doll for Christmas. My sister said I could have my turn when it snowed. What if it doesn't snow this year? It's been weeks and weeks.

-- Unfair on University

Carrie: You may need to arbitrate your deal in a higher court. Since the weather has been so unseasonable, or at least unsnowy, you would do better to share the doll by a more regular calendar. If your sister is older than you, it won't be easy to make her see that you should have a turn as often and as long as hers is. Count the days since Christmas, and ask that you have a turn as long as that, and then she can have the doll again.

Let your parents, or other trusted adults serve as your mediators or adjudicators. It's important that your sister learn the art of sharing while she is still young enough to grasp the concept. You're doing her a huge favor by making sure she gets the chance to acquire this skill set.

Query: I have this friend who's all involved with a messed up crowd. He's great, but they're trouble, and he knows it. What can I say to get him to stop hanging with them?

-- Worried on Westmoreland

Carrie: Probably, there's not much you can say to get him to dump his buddies--even if they're trouble with a capital 'T'. In fact, lots of people tend to do the opposite of what would be best for them, just to prove that they can do whatever they want. It's more than a little stupid when they're out to prove that they can get into hot water.

You could try instead to engage your friend in activities you know he enjoys. Introduce him to people who aren't verging on the criminal, but are lots of fun to be with anyway. Set up a study group in a subject that you know he needs extra help with. The more he feels like he can succeed in different areas of his life, the less he'll need to hang around people who don't have the option of success.

Remember, however, that your friend has to make his own choices. You can only really be responsible for yourself and the life outcomes that you choose. You can't 'fix' someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how good an idea it is.