Features: The Heart of Parenting

"This is Going to Hurt" Emory Luce Baldwin November 2006

It was about this time of year when my little 3 year old was unexpectedly hospitalized.   He had just been diagnosed with asthma for the first time that morning, and by the afternoon his wheezing sounded like an old rocking chair creaking back and forth, back a forth on the porch.  

Once he was admitted to the hospital, the Dr. ordered him hooked up to an IV.   The nurses asked me to wait while he was taken down the hall to a treatment room.   It took four strong adults to hold his skinny, terrified, little body down while the needle was inserted into his vein.  

Fortunately, my son's asthma improved within a few days and we were able to go home with new medications and a nebulizer machine that turned the medicine into a wet mist for him to breathe.  

Another change we had to deal with, though, was my son's new terror about getting stuck with needles.   Every routine visit to the Dr.'s office--and there were many visits that winter--became very frightening for him.  

As much as we wish we could protect our kids from the hurts in life--illness and accidents and other injuries are bound to happen.   And when they do, kids may have to go through experiences that are confusing, painful, and frightening.

Children often express these feelings by acting obstinate, or angry, or even with loud screams and wails.   Your child's distress is probably deeply distressing to you as well, and may trigger your own feelings of fearfulness, or anger, or protest.   These are the difficult moments when we want to say unhelpful things to our kids such as, "Do you have to be so loud?   It's not such a big deal!" or "You poor thing, be good and I'll get you a treat later, ok?"  

Neither approach is really helping your child in the moment.   Shaming isn't strengthening, it just teaches a child to hide his feelings and pretend to be something he isn't.   Pity is frightening, because it teaches a child that her parent doesn't believe she is strong enough to deal with her challenges in life.

When life is difficult, the most important message that children need to hear and believe in is one of confidence: "This is hard, but I believe you can do it."   Even a loudly screaming kid will pick up on the calm assurance in your voice and body language.   "This is hard, but I believe you can do it" conveys a message that is both respectful and encouraging.   The words "this is hard" acknowledges what the child is really experiencing.   And the words, "I believe you can do it" communicates your confidence in your child's real strength and abilities.

When our children are really flooded with fear, they need to be able to borrow from our confidence in them, until they are able to generate their own self-confidence for themselves.

Simply telling your child, "This hard, but I believe you can do it" won't guarantee that this year's flu shot will be painless or easy.   But it lays the groundwork for your child to eventually grow his own courage and his own ability to stay calm and to deal with tough situations.   You may still leave the doctor's office with a shivering, crying, weeping child.   That's ok--even this kind of experience can be a success with encouragement. "Even though you were scared, so scared that you cried and cried, you still let the nurse give you your flu shot.   That took real courage, and I admire you for that."   "Even though you think flu shots are stupid and you don't need them, you still went to get one to stay healthy this winter--it takes a strong person to do the right thing even when it's hard to do."

Children who are trembling, crying, or raging in traumatic situations are simply working through their fearful emotions.   Traumatic situations trigger stress hormones in our body to speed up our heart and breathing rate, rush blood to our major muscles, disengage our rational mind, and activate our survival instincts.   Elevated stress hormones are great for responding to a crisis, but they also depress the immune system.   Tears are one good mechanism for literally washing stress hormones out of the system.

A good cry before, during, or after a traumatic experience is a very healthy coping mechanism for a child (and you too!).   Supporting both your child's courage and their tears, without pity or shame, will help them weather the difficult hurts today and prepare them to be even stronger the next time.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.   For more information about PEP classes and programs, call 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org .   To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.

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