|
The first flaming croquet ball was a modest affair. It wasn’t even the main event, only a fire delivery system for the torch that opened the Working Stiff Olympics, a short-lived celebration of handy folk, that was sponsored by me and my buddy Jim Hinshelwood for reasons we can’t quite recall.
 |
The track was an eight foot section of steel hat-channel laid out on a sloping lawn. The croquet ball, on fire, rolled down the track at the end of which it struck the base of a post and then lit a fuse of waxed twine which traveled up the post to light a Fosters can full of oil perched on top. That was back in ’97 or ’98. It was a glorious occasion and yet the Working Stiff Olympics are no more. Those days are gone when working men and women had nothing to lose but their dignity by expressing themselves in the “Caulk You” art competition or demonstrating their appreciation for technology in the “Highlander Computer Toss.” |
PHOTOS: Eric Bond
Revelers on New Year's Eve 2004 watch the ceremonial dropping of the flaming ball and the burning of the Christmas tree.
|
Those hallowed traditions are relics of the last century. Nine years later, in the Twenty-First Century, only the flaming croquet ball remains. As I think back on why this is so, two things come to mind. First and foremost it was a huge hassle to haul all those smashed-up computers to the Shady Grove Transfer Station— and second, flaming croquet balls, by definition, are on fire.
Lighting a croquet ball on fire may seem counter-intuitive to some people, but to Jim and me the question was never why but how? You see, at that time we were both self-employed cabinet makers. This is not the glamorous craft that office-bound people imagine it to be—craftsmen carefully planing graceful shavings off fragrant hardwoods. No. Woodworking involves thankless hours of unpaid design work followed by hair-pulling installations that involve moving huge boxes through spotless living rooms filled with expensive breakable decorations. And between these two extremes are endless hours of sanding.
Sanding was the only part of the job that I really liked. It was while sanding that all my really great ideas came to me. It takes about eight hours to sand a modest sized built-in wall unit: just sufficient to induce a Zen-like state in which the mind wanders off leaving the body to its mundane work. In this lofty state the mind is afforded full freedom to wander its cerebral domain, unencumbered by self-reproach for indolence. Hey my body is working!
 |
Click image for Quicktime footage from this year's event. |
That is when the really great ideas come: that moment when the mind rises above the din of mortgage rates, cracked motor mounts, and long distance phone plans, to grasp the higher reality. How do we achieve peace in the Middle East? What is the sound of one hand clapping? How do I get a croquet ball to burn?
I remember well our first crude experiments. We carefully rasped off the chipped paint; drilled holes through the diameter and filled them with wax; soaked the ball for a week in lantern fuel. In the end the trick was to char the hell out of the ball with a propane torch. Only five or ten minutes though, or else the ball will crack and go out of round. Then soak it for about 15 minutes in camping lantern fuel and that baby will burn for a week.
The first New Years’ Flaming Croquet Ball was pretty much a repeat of the Working Stiff Olympics torch lighting. Blessed by the low expectations of our fan base Jim and I were free to experiment with different modes of kinesis at subsequent New Years’ parties. One year the ball was attached to a guide wire that ran from an upper deck down through a web of firecrackers, and down to a Webber lid turned upside-down. The firecrackers never lit, but the ball striking the Webber lid made a wonderful gong.
One year we dispensed with motion entirely and returned to the fuse theme. The ball was fastened on the top of a wood frame which was criss-crossed with twine soaked in lighter fluid and liberally festooned with fire crackers and balloons. Alas, the lighter fluid evaporated before we could count backward from ten, our fuse never lit and the firecrackers and balloons did not issue the expected report. In a quick thinking move that forever established the low expectations of our fans, Jim grabbed the propane torch and lit the croquet ball the old fashioned way. The frigid New Year’s wind caused the flame to flicker a trail in the lee. Against the black January sky, the tiny roar emitted by wind and fire suggested a miniature comet hurtling through space.
I think the first time the croquet ball set a Christmas tree on fire was January 1,Y2K. Jim had built a mini-roller coaster using three and a half inch metal building track and these were supported in space by electrical conduit posts. It was a straight shot down from the second-story deck into the retired Christmas tree. In those days we hadn’t yet learned how to fashion rough curves from the straight metal track The tree had been lovingly decorated by party-goers with hand written resolutions for the coming year.. The spectacular blaze of the Christmas tree made up for any mediocrity in our track design.
Gradually, with much trial, error, and effort we learned how to make gentle curves and even a modest ski jump. We also learned not to use “cut-your-own” trees for the finale of our show. For two embarrassing New Years in a row our Christmas tree, despite being doused in lantern fuel, refused to burn. In pyro-technical circles the rebuke, “They couldn’t set a Christmas tree on fire,” is cause for burning shame. |
|
Jim Hinselwood and Richard Jaeggi bask in the glow of their pyrotechnic display. |
Over the years we developed a loyal fan base for which the Flaming Croquet Ball New Year’s ritual became a kind of pilgrimage. We have had fans come all the way from the Florida in the dead of winter, just to see the blazing spectacle. Jim and I can proudly say that through nine flaming croquet ball years we have never betrayed the modest regard with which our fans esteem our talents.
Despite our record-breaking achievements in croquet ball pyro-technology there remained one last challenge which stubbornly eluded us. The Holy Grail of flaming croquet balls is the loop-de-loop. Three hundred and sixty degrees. A perfect gravity-defying circle lighting up the midnight sky in perfect homage to our planet’s annual loop around the great flaming croquet ball in the sky.
On January 1, 2006 Jim and I and the whole world witnessed the impossible. The first flaming croquet ball loop-de-loop to occur in the history of time— at least as far as we know.
To view the world’s first loop-de-loop flaming croquet ball click the flaming croquet ball (inset, above). You must have Quicktime installed to watch the video.
3 comments have been posted to this article.
Click here to see reader comments.
Want to post a comment to this article? Click here.
|
