Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington. For more information about PEP classes and programs, contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org . To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com .
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Parenting through the holidays
December, 2005
The winter holidays are upon us once again, and many parents are facing them with mixed feelings. Whether your family celebrates Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or the Winter Solstice--our traditional winter celebrations evoke many positive and not-so-positive feelings for all of us.
Of all the winter holidays, Christmas is by far the most commercialized -- and this influences (if not overwhelms) the holiday season for everyone. We feel barraged by the emphasis on purchasing and giving gifts that builds up to the big day or several days, and then ends abruptly once the gifts are opened and paper and boxes cleared away.
The holiday season can require tremendous preparations that tax even the most energetic and well organized. And as for the rest of us--well, we feel tired just thinking about it. The time, expense, and work involved in creating a festive holiday celebration can easily tarnish the season for many of us.
In the 1982 book Unplugging the Christmas Machine , authors Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli called women the "Christmas Magicians," because women usually take responsibility for transforming their family's everyday lives into a beautiful, magical festival. Women often do most of the work and worrying about planning, organizing, decorating, shopping, cleaning, and baking for the holidays.
Robinson and Staeheli named men the "Christmas Stagehands," because husbands and fathers are frequently watching most of the celebration from the sidelines, sometimes enjoying themselves and sometimes wishing they could simply avoid the holidays this year. Many men, the authors noticed, want to relax and enjoy the holiday more, but find that the financial and time stresses of the holiday make those wishes impossible.
"Presents are a definite positive side of the holidays," as Maddy told me, "but there are better parts." |
Parents often believe that their holiday celebrations are for their children, and they work very hard to make them wonderful for them. We hope to surprise, delight, and create joyful holiday memories for our children. We may hope to relive our own favorite holiday memories through our children. And, finally, we hope to pass along beloved holiday traditions to our children.
I was curious about what the holidays were like for kids today, so I talked to several 13- and 14-year-old kids. I asked them to tell me what they liked and disliked the most about their family holiday celebrations. All of the children in my small survey celebrated Christmas, Hanukkah, or a combination of the two. The kids focused on holiday activities for their list of favorites, including visiting family, singing holiday songs, putting up decorations, enjoying favorite holiday foods, relaxing without school pressures, and (hopefully) playing in the snow.
When the kids named what they disliked the most about the holidays, they complained about the over-commercialization of the holiday season and the pressures of last-minute gift buying and thank-you note writing. Other gripes included such annoyances as winter break homework, getting sick over the holidays, and weather that was cold but snow-less.
I was amazed to find that not one child I talked to mentioned presents as the favorite aspect of the holiday. (Especially since this year my daughter handed me her wish list before Halloween.) When I specifically asked the kids why they hadn't mentioned presents, they told me that gifts were good, but far from the most important part of the holidays. "Presents are a definite positive side of the holiday," as Maddy told me, "but there are better parts." Even my own daughter admitted that presents were one of the least "Christmas-y" parts of the holiday.
Robinson and Staeheli suggest that what children really need and want most during the holidays is loving time with their families, time that feels relaxed and not too rushed, and the time to enjoy favorite family traditions.
They also suggest that, while children enjoy the excitement and anticipation of gifts, they are happiest when gifts are but one part of a balanced family celebration. When gifts are only one part of the fun, but not the focus, children learn that there is more to the celebration than just unwrapping packages. In their book, Robinson and Staeheli recount the story of one mother who found her daughter crying in the closet on Christmas day after opening up all the gifts she had asked for. When she was asked what the matter was, the little girl answered, "If I had know this was all there is to Christmas, I wouldn't have waited so long."
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