Features: The Heart of Parenting

Family Meetings

October, 2005

Sometimes it feels like our families are just spinning out of control, or falling apart all around us.   Different family members have different schedules, different agendas, and different priorities.   It may feel as if everyone is either going in a different direction or crashing into each other like the bumper cars at an amusement arcade.   Irritations mount when family members--both big and little--feel like family life is too chaotic and bumpy.

"We've got to get better organized!" someone will say.   But this is the type of problem that can't be solved with just a new calendar or starting a new plan.  

Part of the difficulty is probably that, as your kids are getting older, they want to have more of a say in what is happening.   They have opinions and feelings about family rules, schedules, and responsibilities.   When your children were younger, they were more willing to go along with most of your decisions.   Or if not, you could always pick them up and take them somewhere.   Now as your children are getting older, they increasingly chafe at being told what to do.   "Pick up this mess!"   "Why?"   "Set the table!"   "It's not my turn!"   "Let's get going!"   "I don't want to!"

Much of what parents see as kids being unhelpful and belligerent is simply how kids show that they don't like being "bossed around."   The good news about this for parents is that your child's resistance is a positive sign that they are growing up and becoming more independent.   The bad news for parents is that this is only going to continue and intensify!

One way to help your family go more with the flow is to bring everyone to the table with family meetings.   Simply taking the time to sit down all together to decide what needs to be done and how to do it is a great antidote to family chaos and discord.   Parents who are accustomed to their kids rolling their eyes, talking back, or ignoring them are often surprised to find that their kids are ready and willing to contribute if they are treated more as a family partner and less like a family pet.

The secret is that, in a family meeting, everybody counts.   Everyone has an opportunity to be appreciated and to share what they like about others.   Everyone is invited, but nobody is forced to come, so each person feels respected.   Everyone is encouraged to share their perspective and ideas for solutions to family plans and problems, so everybody knows that their contributions matter.

Be prepared to start slowly, if you decide to introduce family meetings in your home.   This is not the time to call the kids together and dump a load of family problems on their heads.   You can be sure that no one will want to return to the next family meeting if that happens!  

Successful family meetings often start with "appreciations."   Each person takes a turn to say something they appreciate about each other member in the family.   Next, family schedules can be shared.   This is a good time to plan special play time for parents and kids, when friends can be invited over, upcoming sports practices, and family fun events.   Kids enjoy taking turns with their parents in planning family fun, although parents will want to set certain reasonable limits about costs and time limits.   Some families also use this time to give kids limited choices about important issues such as what they would like for lunches   or what family chore they would like to choose for the coming week.   Finally, many families end family meetings with a special dessert and even a family cheer.   Our family borrowed this idea from another family and do a football huddle style "Go Baldwins!" cheer.   Now that my kids are teens, I notice that, although they say the cheer is stupid and make fun of it, they also never skip it.   It's funny to see which family rituals our kids adopt as their favorites!