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Speaking Up |
Query: Why does my mom have to sign me up for day camp every summer? I hate it. It's boring. It's the same thing all summer and it's really for little kids. I want to stay home and hang with my friends who live here and go to my school. I can't just skateboard all day long at camp. The counselors won't let me.
-- Unhappy on Upton
Carrie: Your mom signs you up for day camp so that you have somewhere to be where she knows you're doing more than watching TV, playing on the X-Box or in the streets while she labors to bring home your daily crust.
Maybe you find the experience stupid and boring because you've been to camp so many times. If that's the case, you might be ready for junior counselor status. Talk with your mom about that. It'll give you some control over your own time, and lots of power over the little people. You can show the other counselors on staff what it means to treat campers with dignity and respect. You could also talk them into including a skateboarding component in their activities program.
This is known as 'subverting the system from within.' It's a key life skill. So stop complaining and act mature enough that they'll trust you with co-counselor status. And you'll be spending the summer on your skateboard after all.
Query: How is it that my IT co-workers either a) don't get how profoundly nerdy they are or b) don't choose to do anything about it? They're hopelessly out-of-shape, obese, or scrawny. They dress like they got tossed into the Last Hope Thrift Shop and fought their way out to a pyrrhic victory.
Their personal hygiene routines are offensively inadequate, except when they're laughably over-done. Their conversational gambits run from gossip about code, Linux kibitzing, and their latest on-line gaming triumphs.
They can't get dates, which is good because they might start reproducing if they did. Even so, I feel sorry for them. Is there any kind of compassionate charity to help these souls transform successfully into real, live boys?
-- Perplexed on Philadelphia
Carrie: Where are those Queer Eyes when you need them? Though mostly, they don't take on hard cases like nerds. There aren't any style correction nonprofits of which I'm aware. This is a shame, when you consider the many, many people who might benefit from such. Would you put your life savings on the line and initiate a for-profit makeover scheme that traveled from one NerdCon to the next around the country doling out good sartorial choices and working pick-up lines?
Or, you might start small, with one of the guys from the water cooler? Spend some time there, and mention that you have a wife, and a lifestyle and so forth. One of them will be sure to look curious, an unmistakable gleam of envy twinkling in his eye. Mentor one successfully to mainstream life, and make it a condition that each one teach one. In ten years, nerds could be a thing of the past: obsolete as typewriters.
Or, you can continue to make yourself feel better about whatever shortcomings you may secretly harbor, by holding yourself aloof and laughing inside at the unfortunates. It's your call.
Query: I've met this wonderful woman, and I want to show her off to my friends. I've been invited to a few weddings, but I was still single when the invites went out. I want to bring her with me so that I'll have a date, and so that everyone can meet her. Do I need to tell the brides/grooms in question, or can we just arrive at the event? One more person either way won't make a difference at a big party, right? I just don't want to spend any moment, waking or sleeping, without her.
-- Newly Happy on New Hampshire
Carrie: There's only one thing as intense as a new love-thang, and that's the annoyance it can cause your friends, relations and co-workers. In the case of weddings, try not to think of them as 'a big party.' Someone, several someones in fact, have spent months putting these grand occasions together. The seating, the place settings, the band, the tent, the meal all cost money and most of those amounts are measured on a per head basis. Your new girlfriend may not have anywhere to sit, except on your lap. The caterer may dun the couple for an extra mouth to feed, and that easily runs $75-$100 at most events.
Call your marrying friends, and pose your question conditionally, and accept their answer graciously, and only bring her if you're clear that she's welcome. Even if that means they don't get to meet her until you're in the process of staging a wedding of your own. You'll find your reunion after being separated for eight hours, or a weekend, is sweet enough to take the sting out of being bereft of her companionship.
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