Features: The Heart of Parenting

Fighting For A Place in the Family

June, 2005

Over the years, I have given talks to many parent groups on subjects ranging from toilet training to homework--and everything else in between.   Whatever the program's topic, I can always be sure that the same question will be asked sometime before the evening is over: "How can I stop my kids from fighting with each other?"

The kids fight at the dinner table, they fight in the car, they fight in the bathroom, they fight about everything, and they fight about nothing.   If there was a way to measure how much air each one was breathing, they would quarrel about that too.   The fights themselves are so crazy, that parents go crazy just listening to them.  

We love our children and we love our family--is it too much to ask them to love each other?   Maybe you planned to have more than one child because you didn't want your first-born to be 'lonely.'   Now that you are living in the middle of a battle zone, you sometimes question your own sanity!   Sometimes we feel that raising a family is like building a sand castle at the seashore; and the children's quarrels are the waves of the sea that undermine the castle.   The harder we try to pour more sand onto the castle and pat it back into shape, the more frustrating it is when the foundations keep washing away.  

The children are also working on the family 'sandcastle,' each one working to claim their own share of the sand and build their own part of the castle.   In the process, the kids are working to define themselves and figure out how to belong in their family.   "Am I the smart kid in the family?   Am I the family problem child?   Am I the cute one who makes everyone laugh? Am I the quiet child who everyone overlooks?"  

As a child jockeys to find her or his position in the family, there is always the potential for competition with siblings.   When the family atmosphere is not highly competitive, the rivalry between siblings is less intense.   Most families have some kind of low-energy, low-intensity fussing going on between siblings much of the time.   Wrestling, bickering, and mild complaining is often what children in a family enjoy doing the most with their siblings.   Sometimes this serves as entertainment, sometimes it helps blow off steam, and sometimes it is just for practice.   Kids are as likely to laugh as to yell during this type of sibling exercise.

When the family atmosphere is more competitive, the rivalry between siblings becomes more heated.   Without realizing it, parents often fuel the competition by the way they respond:

Mark and his younger brother Colin are building with Legos.   "Look at my fantastic spaceship!" Mark directs Colin.   "Yeah, and look at MY spaceship," responds Colin.   "My spaceship is better," responds Mark.   "Your spaceship   doesn't   have turbo blasters and rocket s like mine."     Colin feels offended,   but   doesn't   say anything.   He has a better idea...as   he continues   to build,   he 'accidentally' bumps   into Mark's spaceship   and it breaks.   Mark explodes,   as Colin knew he would,   and he slugs Colin in the shoulder.   Colin screams, "Mark hit me!" and Mom comes running.   "What happened?   Why can't   you boys get along?"   she storms at them.   Colin runs to Mom for sympathy,   and Mark hangs his head while Mom reminds them both again abou t the rules of fair play.   The boys keep   making faces   at each   other,   and don't   bother   listening   to Mom because they   already   know   her lecture by heart!

Mark and Colin have had a lot of practice in developing their "fight" routine.   It is important to Mark to stay several steps ahead of his younger brother Colin.   He periodically reinforces this by showing off to Colin, and criticizes anything Colin does.   Colin feels the sting of his brother's criticism, but has leveled the playing field by becoming a master in the art of pushing Mark's "button."   Mark allows himself to be provoked and uses that as justification for hitting his younger brother (using the precise amount of   force   to hurt, but not really   cause   damage) .   Colin has developed the skill of screaming at the exact level of intensity (not too loud,   not   too soft, with a note of   pathetic anguish)   to bring Mom running.   Mom tries to demonstrate fairness by sympathizing with Mark that his little brother is annoying (score 1 for Mark ) while comforting Colin for how rough his older brother is when he 'loses' his temper (score 1 for Colin) .   Results of power struggle: a tie.   Problem solving: zero.   Learning:   zero.   Chances this scene will be repeated: 100%

Many times, kids cooperate so smoothly in their fights that the only one who doesn't know what is going on is the parent.   In the example above,   Mark and Colin are using Mom to continue their rivalry.   They both benefit by escalating their quarrel to get their Mom to come running and to hand out the 'points.'    

What would happen if Mom (and Dad) decided that they are going to stay out of the boy's drama?   If Mom or Dad begin to say something like, "work it out, or go find something else to do," most of the rewards of fighting would disappear.   They boys will probably still quarrel from time to time (no use in letting the old skills get too rusty!) but the intensity of the conflict will remain low.   In reality, parents should view most children's fights with skepticism: if each child could get up and go somewhere else, but they don't; then why are they staying and fighting?   If each   child knows the basics of respect and fair play, then why are they choosing to do it differently?

Everything that happens in a family--including fighting--is an opportunity for children to learn about themselves and how to relate to others.   Trusting our kids to learn how to handle their relationships with each other, even when it is done imperfectly, is the best way to keep fights from escalating.   As child guidance expert Rudolf Dreikurs wrote, "As long as we do things for our children, they cannot learn how to manage for themselves."