Query: What’s an old-fashioned eco-freak supposed to do? I’ve been hired for a job I really want downtown. Not only will I be doing good (and doing it well, I might add), but I’ll be compensated and receive benefits. This pretty much a dream come true. But the work is in development, and Personnel has already alerted me to the need for my attire and grooming to meet the standards of donors and bank officers and board members. I can get a lesson or two in using make-up, and grooming is good, but on my budget, where the heck am I going to come up with a wardrobe that meets their needs?
—Panicking on Pine
Carrie: Fear not. The answer to this is surprisingly palatable and makes for a certain win-win outcome. First, figure out what two or three colors upon which you want to build a work wardrobe. If you haven’t thought about your sartorial congruence much in the past, ask a more worldly friend into which “color season” you fall, and use the guidelines in a book from the library to determine (or fine-tune) your palette. Then find a thrift shop or two, or a couple of church bazaars over in the toniest parts of town. Avoid consignment shops if possible, as their prices are breathtaking to those who have not paid retail in a long time. Build a wardrobe primarily from key separates: trousers, skirts, jackets, shoes. Remember to shop with someone who recognizes good fit, good quality, and classic lines. Add accessories and a dress or two that work in the overall scheme, and you’re all done. You can realistically plan on spending around $150 if you’re buying from scratch. Happy hunting!
Query: I want a ring this Valentine’s Day. It’s been three years. I love him. He loves me. We live together comfortably. Neither one of us wants kids just now. But he won’t talk about marriage at all. I get the feeling that there are issues he’s got that he doesn’t want to face. So I figure that if I don’t see a jeweler’s box on the 14th, I’ll be giving him an ultimatum for Valentine’s Day. What would be the best way to phrase it? I don’t want him to get all squirrely; I just want to know what his intentions are.
—Fiancee-in-Waiting
Carrie: An ultimatum only ever seems to be the sort of thing that it is better to give than to receive. You do understand that ultimata have a nasty effect on the recipient, right? Once you hand out an either/or statement, with no room for compromise or discussion, you may begin to see the precariousness of that decision-forcing process. Some people, even people who love you, do not take well to being backed into a corner with no alternatives. Some processes do not, either, even when the processes seem as inevitable as the advent of spring after the dark, chill of winter.
If you don’t want children right away, and you’re both so in love, then there’s no real hurry to make a ’til-death-do-you-part statement. In fact, if you’re very serious about this man, then spend some time talking with him about his issues around marriage. He would need to be able to talk those out, possibly in the presence of a counselor, before he should truly be considered prime husband material. Certainly, that would be my assessment. Exercise patience.
Query: My mother’s cat died this November. She’d had that thing for twenty years at least. I worry about her not having any regular companionship. I know she needs time to grieve and deal with Buster’s death. When should I bring up the subject of getting a new cat or kitten to her? I’m not insensitive, but I would hate for her to get into some kind of funk that might be prevented with a little love from a new furry friend.
—Fretting on Fenton
Carrie: I feel your pain and hers. Regular attention from a house pet increases beta waves, drops blood pressure, manages blood sugars, and regularizes the pulse. There are undoubtedly many other benefits from contact with domestic animals that science will one day learn and publish. So, you’re right to want her to have that comfort and company.
Yet this is a time of loss for your mother. She needs respect from her surviving loved ones and lots of extra attention, too. Try organizing her friends and neighbors so that your mother can have frequent contact with others who care. This may alleviate any tendency she has to falling into a decline. And it may allow her to work through her sadness a little more quickly than she otherwise might. And Let her alert the community when she’s ready to adopt another companion. She’s had plenty of experience in recognizing and meeting her emotional needs. Just keep on sharing all the love you can with her, and you’ll have done the best you can by this painful situation. |
