Query: My honey popped the question (finally) and weÕre getting hitched this time next year. I accidentally asked my oldest friend to be my honor attendant (I was ambushed, I swear), and not my best friend. My intended says that I have to go with the oldest friend, since I already asked. I say I should have what I want on that one day, if no other. What do I do to fix this problem?

ÑAffianced on Allegheny

 

Carrie: You canÕt fix what isnÕt broken. Bummer for you, your fianc?/e is right on this one. Miss Manners says so too (I checked). She further points out that many brides run with the idea that the wedding day is all about them, and take it a little too far. Please remember that the nuptial event is more about sharing with your communities of choice and tradition the change in social status you and your partner are assuming than it is about having it Ôyour way.Õ 

Your best friend will understand your situation, and if s/he is deserving of the title, will support you in this sticky wicket and not try to exacerbate an already delicate and wearing situation. Your oldest friend may surprise you by rising to the occasion beyond your wildest expectations. Sit back and try to find that mother-lode of inclusiveness and acceptance that runs true and deep in all of us. The sacred occasion may not be exactly as youÕd envisioned it, but that may be because itÕs so much better. Open yourself to the possibilities.

 

Query: WeÕre having an open house mid-month to show our new home off to our old friends and our new neighbors now that weÕre settling in. My partner is miffed that the folks who live on the one side of us just threw a huge party and didnÕt ask us to it. WeÕve already shared hedge-clippers and recycling protocols, but that doesnÕt seem to have been enough to get us an invite to their do. I donÕt care much one way or the other, but sheÕs all about not having them come to our open house, even though weÕre asking the rest of our neighbors. WhatÕs the right thing to do?

ÑMuddled on Maple

 

Carrie: You canÕt imagine IÕd recommend contributing to what might turn into an epic feud, right? Please invite the neighbors. This is a case of someone with small town values and perceptions, i.e. your partner, running into big city mores and becoming disgruntled and offended. 

Once again, I remind you all that folks move into, out of, and around the metropolitan region at a startling rate. ThatÕs why urban custom gives little priority to meeting and bonding with the neighbors. Traditionally theyÕve moved on, or you have, before you get to know more about them than their names and whether they have a problem with your music/pet/yard/manner of parking. Small town manners dictate that you make friends and allies of your neighbors ASAP, because youÕre often stuck with them for generations, literally. 

Make an effort to get to know the people next door better, or to allow them to get to know you. They may not become your best buddies, but theyÕll equally be less likely to call the cops if your parties run past midnight or get a little loud. And remember that theyÕre not being hostile, only realistic.

 

Query: IÕll be a senior in high school in September. My parents expect me to go on to college like they did, and my grandparents, etc. I donÕt see the point, especially not right after high school. It costs too much and then IÕd spend years digging myself out of debt. I have a part-time job already, and I can make ends meet on the full-time version of it. What should I say to my parents so they wonÕt be on my back about my decision not to go?

ÑClued-up on Carroll

 

Carrie: If itÕs not a matter of grades or learning disabilities, you may not have a solid case for not going on to college. College graduates earn about 40 percent more than high school graduates do over the course of their lifetime. Albeit, this is an average, but you can see that the odds increase that youÕd have the wherewithal to pay off any monstrous student loans and still have more money than you would otherwise. 

DonÕt  hurry on to school on my say-so. Yet you might make your parents happy and keep the door to higher education cracked open. Apply for delayed admission to an acceptable institution. YouÕd be surprised how much more appealing working for a four-year degree seems after a year out slogging around in the Òreal world.Ó If the daily grind and the skills you bring to it feel sufficient after that test year, then donÕt go back to school. But youÕll have the option should you change your mind.