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How many times do I have to tell you?
Breaking down walls between parents and kids
by Emory Luce Baldwin
Katie, 10, storms in the front door, slams her backpack down, and screams "I hate my teacher!" Her father snaps back at "Calm down! Stop being so melodramatic!"
Matthew, 12, grows increasingly passive. He never invites friends over and prefers to play video games alone in the basement for hours at a time. His mother has asked him repeatedly what is the matter. His answer is always the same, "nothing."
Justin and Julia, 8 year old twins, seem to bicker endlessly. Rare moments of calm are usually broken when one or the other provokes their sibling. Their parents feel forced to referee their fights, but neither child seems interested in a peaceful resolution to their issues.
Maria, 13, always leaves her wet towel on the family bathroom floor. Mom constantly reminds her to hang it up. She never does.
Even the best parents sometimes feel as if they are talking to a brick wall instead of talking to their kids. Frustrated parents find themselves repeating the same message over and over, explaining themselves at greater and greater length, and using louder and louder voice–but in response they see their kids tuning them out, ignoring them, or yelling back.
Many Silver Spring and Takoma Park parents have been learning new ways of thinking about communication skills through the parent education programs offered by the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP).
"Before I had kids, I thought of myself as a great communicator," said Linda Sapin, a Takoma Park parent. "Having a kid really humbled me, and I realized how much more difficult this is then I expected. Participating in the PEP program, I realized that there was this whole other community of people struggling with the same issues."
PEP promotes a positive discipline style that emphasizes the child learning self-discipline. In contrast to traditional forms of discipline which rely on pain, shame, and blame–PEP shows parents how they can help their children behave better, without first making them feel worse.
It may seem counterintuitive, but the first step toward getting your children to listen to you is to first listen to them. This means beginning by saying to your child, "I want to talk about this, and first I’d like to know, what do you think about it?" By asking questions and listening to what your child has to say at the start of the discussion, the whole dynamic of parent-child communication changes. And it works in your favor, too, because when children feel really heard, they are more open and curious to hear what you have to say.
I have a couple of kids, too, and I’ll be the first to agree that getting through to them can be really difficult. It’s hard because children usually don’t know why they do what they do, or they can’t explain it in a way that makes sense to parents. So, I’ve learned not to ask my kids why they did something, but to ask, "How were you feeling when you did that?"
Ironically, we often do the worst job at communicating with our kids when we try the hardest. Especially when we are frustrated or worried for a child, we’ll try to get through to them by doing most of the talking. The more we talk, the more our kid is going to tune us out. Sometimes parents do so much of the talking because we think that it’s very important to convince our child that we’re right (this is what kids call a "lecture"). No self-respecting kid enjoys a lecture.
Many children disagree endlessly, just for the principle of it. Or maybe they end up pretending to agree, just to get you off their back.
But when parents and kids are both listening to each other, they’re having a dialogue. A dialogue is an entirely different experience from a lecture. A dialogue communicates respect for the other’s opinion, value for their contribution, and a sense of fairness that leads to cooperation. In a dialogue, it is safe for each person to say what they think and not be judged.
A lecture communicates, "I’m right, and you’re not." Put yourself in your child’s place: Which approach do you think is most likely to build cooperation?
If you feel like the communication between you and your child too often leaves you feeling frustrated, angry, or despairing–imagine how your child must feel. Children often report that the parent behavior they hate the most is nagging and yelling. Parents usually don’t want to be a nag or a screamer, but may feel like they don’t know what else to do.
"I know it’s counterproductive, I can hear my own mother’s voice when I’m yelling at the kids," says Maggy Sterner, a mother of two in Takoma Park, "but when all I hear from them is ‘no,’ I just don’t know how else to respond except by saying, ‘You will because I say so!’ And it feels awful, for me and for them."
When dealing with children like Katie, Matthew, Justin and Julia, and Maria, we can sometimes get off track.
Here are a few common communication missteps and suggestions for building a better dialogue with your child:
Discounting or ignoring feelings
Instead: respond to the feelings behind the words, name the feelings, and ask what might be sparking the feelings. "Wow, you sound really mad! Do you want to tell me more about it?"
Demanding information
Instead: invite the child to share information. "You seem kind of lonely or sad to me–I wonder if that is what is going on? Would you like to talk about it?"
Taking over the child’s problems
Instead: keep the responsibility for problem solving with the child, and give the child the opportunity to sort it out for themselves. Parents can offer guidance or suggestions without "taking over" the problem for the child. "You two are having a hard time sharing that sofa, can you come up with a plan that lets you both enjoy the family room at the same time? If you need any more ideas, come see me and I’ll try to help."
Repeating the same message
Instead: say it once, and then act. "When I see your wet towel on the floor I will put it in the laundry room, you can go down there to get it when you need it next time." And then follow through and do it. This shows your child that you are a person who says what she means, and means what she says.A woman in a parenting class I was teaching once told me that she and her siblings used to say to their parents, "Punish me if you have to, but not another lecture!"
If you think talking with your kids has been too much noise and drama and not enough connection, these tips will help you get back on the right track. You may also want to check out PEP classes.
For more information, call 301.929.8824 or check www.ParentEncouragement.org.
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