Answers from the Advice Goddess
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The good, the sad, and the ugly
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Query: I'm having the best sex of my life.
He thinks the sun rises and sets out of my nether parts. He
brings me presents–considerate, funny, handmade things.
But I'm not really in love with him. I've told him
so, and he doesn't seem to care. It certainly doesn't
slow down his attentions. I don't want to hurt him, but
I don't feel that "thing" for him. Do I have
to give him up? Is it unethical to keep him on a string?
–Adored on Anne
Carrie: If he's wonderful, you actually owe it
to the world to throw him back. Let him find a woman who returns
his affections and will shower him with innovative, caring
love. You don't sound like you're on the way to
getting more serious about Mr. Right-for-Now. While it's
undeniably pleasant to be treated so well, when it's
this one-sided it generally indicates that you've been
hurt yourself and need the self-esteem fix he's providing.
Still, you are only using him and he's not getting
what he needs in return. Disillusionment and self-disgust
are the likeliest outcomes here. Let him down gently, then
get him out of your life. You'll be glad and proud you
did when you each meet partners with whom you can be more
equally involved.
Query: My friend had a baby last winter. She doesn't
have to work, as her partner's income is sufficient.
The baby is an "easy" one and has been sleeping
through the night since he was three months old. He smiles
and flirts with the light fixtures on the ceiling and takes
long, frequent naps. But she sits indoors all day and fusses
and cries and obsesses. What can I do for my friend? I help
with household chores as my schedule allows, sometimes I cook
for them, and I try to take the baby for an afternoon almost
every week. Most women would kill for her situation. I'm
at a loss here.
–Puzzled on Pine
Carrie: Post-partum depression is real. It affects
a fair percentage of women, though not much is known about
how or why it gets started or ends. As with any other type
of depression, your friend should seek help to alleviate her
condition–both for her sake and that of the baby. Full
spectrum lighting for twenty minutes every morning could help
to combat what may in part be a vitamin D deficiency. She
may need extra fatty acids in her diet, because the baby will
need them in his and might drain her of whatever store she
does have. By all means, continue to render her assistance.
But also insist that she begin to make the rounds of the appropriate
healers and caregivers to put together a strategy for managing
and ameliorating her condition.
Query: I'm starting high school. I've
been earning my own spending money for two years. My mom says
I can't wear makeup until I'm a junior. I say that
I'll do what I like with my money, and she won't
have to know. Except that my older brother's in the same
school. If he sees me with makeup on, he'll rat me out.
What should I do?
–Resolved on Ritchie
Carrie: I'd love to tell you to respect your
mother's wishes, but at your age that's not very
likely. If you're convinced that you can't be the
person you're meant to be without using makeup, you may
find yourself driven by necessity to use a lighter hand with
the warpaint than you otherwise might–in order to escape
the notice of your brother. Happily, brothers are notorious
for being somewhat unobservant when it comes to the appearances
of their sisters.
If he is looking for signs of transgression, remember that
not only is less more, but that natural colors make it very
difficult to determine how much is nature and how much is
applied. Avoid blue, purple and green on your eyelids. Spend
more on a blush set that might double for eye shadow. Use
a lightly tinted lip gloss. Eschew dramatically thick mascara
applications; instead, try one light coat in a color that
mimics your own natural color as much as possible. You might
even wish to invest in a professional consultation to give
you the best look for your constraints, age, and style preferences,
thereby skipping the clumsy, garish phase through which so
many young makeup users must go.
Makeup doesn't "hide" blemishes effectively.
Nor does it make young women look more mature. What it does
is give a signal that we're interested in drawing attention
from the opposite sex and that we care more about what our
peers say/think/feel about us than we used to. Don't
lose yourself and your core values underneath a coat of paint.
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