Answers from the Advice Goddess
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Culture clashes
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Query: Mom says I’m not old enough to do my
own back-to-school shopping, since I’m not old enough
to earn the money for it. Why should I have to look like a
dork because I’m too young to get a job? She doesn’t
know how hard it is to go to school with everybody looking
at you. And it’s a new school.
–Dreading School on Davis
Carrie: I hear you. When you’re in school, the
right clothes can mean everything. (Or they can mean as little
as you choose.) Try negotiating for a clothing allowance with
your mother. Set some ground rules before you get started,
along the lines of restricting your "back-to-school"
clothing allowance to items of apparel that conform to the
particulars of your school’s dress codes. Take an inventory
with your mom of the things you and she can agree that you’ll
need, i.e. gym shoes, three T-shirts, one pair of jeans, one
pair of khakis, two skirts, etc. Once you’ve established
your needs, she can provide you with your budget.
If you’re allowed to frequent malls on your own or with
friends, then you’re ready to go shopping. If not, schedule
a convenient time for the both of you (possibly accompanied
by a friend whose judgment you trust) to hit the malls.
You may want your mother to wait elsewhere for you while
you do your business. On the other hand, you might find that
she has a good eye for bargain racks, to stretch your dollars,
or even an eye for what flatters you and will last until your
next wardrobe upgrade.
Remember that she’s probably used to thinking of you
as a little girl–after all, she’s known you since
you were born. Be patient with her while she assimilates the
implications of your growing up and becoming more independent.
She wants you to be an adult as much as you want to be one,
but it won’t happen overnight, and each step you take
together will make the next one easier for the both of you.
Query: My partner likes to keep our bedroom cold
enough to hang meat (excuse the expression) in the summer.
I have respiratory issues when the difference in temperature
between the indoors and the out is too great. I don’t
want to have to sleep apart from him one third of every year.
What can we do?
–Chilling on Chaney
Carrie: Is your partner from the northeast, perchance?
While there are certain hardy transplants who thrive in our
swampy sub-tropics, this climate more usually debilitates
newcomers. For sleeping purposes, you could try turning off
the air conditioning (provided it had been on all day) right
at bedtime. Crack a couple of windows to catch any prevailing
cooling breezes, and he should be comfortable as he sleeps,
as should you.
For the rest of every day, try to negotiate a thermostat
setting tied to the outside temperature. Start with a maximum
20-degree differential. If that keeps him cool and you well,
you’re problem’s solved. If not, work your way by
single degrees up or down until you find your happy medium.
Or you might, if you have multiple levels in your home, choose
to sleep below ground for part of every year. The natural
coolness of a basement level might suit you both.
Query: I love our nanny. The kids are thriving.
They’re getting along with each other. Our stress levels
are way down. However, she doesn’t speak much English.
I’m worried about how that could affect our kids’
verbal skills down the road. Should I worry? Will the problem
self-correct?
–Worried on Wayne
Carrie: Congratulations. Your nanny sounds like a
real treasure. Please don’t fret about the children.
Although they may not be the first readers in their kindergarten,
they’ll be primed for attaining fluency in a second language–a
skill that could come to mean more to them over the years
than one can imagine.
However, don’t drop the ball on encouraging their interest
in our native tongue and its uses. Read, read, read, read
and read to your children every chance you get. Read a little
in the morning at breakfast time. Read as your pre-dinner
transition activity. Read before bed. Read in the car. Read
in the waiting room. Read in the bath. Take turns reading
to the children, and, soon enough, read with them. The more
you share this seminal activity, the better prepared your
children will be for their future. As a bonus, they’ll
remember those hours of family reading as some of the happiest
of their lives, which will exonerate you of much in their
hearts through the years to come.
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