California is distinctly less self-consciously liberal than our home town. Folks have a dislike of politics and a certain reserve, a certain tendency to allow people to make their own way or not. Our grocery store doesn't come with an active listserv. We can't email our neighbors that we've put a book shelf into the street, or complain about the water pressure. School social events seem like the closest thing to 1950s style cock-tail hours that I've experienced. It's hard to compare fairly a place we've lived in for 4 seasons (cool, cooler & rainy, warm, often foggy) to a place where I couldn't walk outside without running into several people that had held my kids as babies, but in California there seem to be calmer and less argumentative people, and perhaps a bit less willingness to argue about selling meat products in the co-op or about how to arrange pick up to be as safe as possible.

My daughter has the plan to move back to Maryland when she's 18 (she also still has the plan to live with us always) and misses her roots there, but is finally making enough friends to get by with. My son describes things as being like in Maryland or as being after Maryland.

They are both so tall now, and they both listen attentively to the sort of sciency things that for so many years were something I had to squelch (or simplify past my ability to simplify effectively). They can get all of their own clothes on (and sometimes do!) They can get into petty squables about plastic toys, and then resolve them! When there is a need, they rally themselves into helping - setting the table, breaking into our neighbors house who locked herself out, helping with baking, all that sort of stuff.

Seeing them grow is a most joyous sort of grief - as I stand amazed by these new children ("Yes Dad, I know what igneous rocks are, you tell me that all the time" or "Daaad, I can transform that one by myself!" or "Thank you for holding my rocks"), I'm still prone to lapse into musing about holding babies or holding 18 month old hands with a sort of whistfulness.

Not much time for that, though. The transition from "staying at home" to working for pay full time is just as wrenching as anyone that's tasted the bliss of following natural rhythms and honoring ancient priorities would expect - for months, my whole body protested when I left home "But you left the kids behind!" I now have thrown myself again into the esoteric art of networked software as my primary occupation. I do little bits of parenting here and there, glad to have had the time to build up a strong connection and base of knowledge, but I'm the classic weekend dad, pushing the kids to go to every fun or beautiful place in California Saturday by Saturday. My daughter finally has learned to negotiate the odd Saturday of no travel (when we have swimming, walks to the ice cream store, and fires in the fire place, plus an art project or long game of Uno), but we've been up and down the amazing topography here. And if it's too foggy and dank for the beach to be fun, well "too bad, today's the day."

For instance, last Saturday, we went to the beach around Monterey Bay and then went to a movie and then went back to the beach and then went to Mission San Juan de Bautista (apparently every school child here knows about the Missions) where we saw some old California history, stood on the San Andreas fault, captured a dog owned by a nun, and then heard the nun's stories about Caesar Chavez back in the day

I miss you, Takoma Park, and hope that this finds each one of you very well. Please keep on hassling the people that need hassling - we'll be in the hottub relaxing.

Children who fight are actually children who are cooperating in order to have a fight. They are much more likely to cooperate to keep the fight safe, if you aren't involved. In fact, fights often escalate when parents get involved, because the kids give the responsibility for safety to the parents instead of taking on their own responsibility.

A few years ago, I met with a couple of brothers who were brought in by their mother to talk to me about their fighting. As a single mother, she was worn out by their daily battles, and she was hoping I could make her children stop fighting with each other. I asked the boys how their fights would typically go, and they described them to me with great relish. When I wondered how many times they had to go the emergency room, or get other medical attention for their injuries, they looked at me with pure shock. While they occasionally got bruises or red marks from their wrestling, there had never been anything more serious. I asked the boys how this could be, that two such skillful and enthusiastic fighters had never had any injuries. "He's my brother!" said the older boy, "I would never hurt him!" "So, you keep your fights fair and fun?" I asked. "Sure," the boys told me, though they admitted that sometimes they miscalculated and it got too rough. When that happened, and especially when someone was really getting hurt, they would pull back to make it safe again.

I realize that it might be a stretch to see children's fights as cooperation. But, consider this; neither of your little girls is paying any attention to you when you try to intervene. The "bully" keeps on pushing and shoving, and the "victim" keeps screaming. Why doesn't the victim get up and go do something else? Maybe, it is because she is enjoying staying there and bugging her sister. Don't ever assume that the "bully" has the most power in sibling fights. The "victim" is often far craftier at both starting the fight and at getting revenge. At the same time, don't assume that your little "bully" isn't capable of caring for and cooperating with her sister. At 3 ½ , she is practicing her beginning leadership skills by pushing and shoving her sister where she would like to make her go. I would imagine that she will figure out fairly quickly that pushing and shoving aren't going to work for her--especially if you stay out of her way and let her figure this out for herself. Once she realizes that pushing and shoving aren't working, she can move on to more sophisticated methods of influence and coercion!

The important thing to remember is that children fight together for many of the same reasons that they play together. Fighting is about entertainment, stress release, conflict resolution, and self defense. Children need to fight with each other to learn and practice these skills. Your little "bully" needs to learn more effective ways to cooperate with her sister. Your little "victim" needs to learn better ways to protect her interests than merely sitting in place and screaming.

The next time you hear your girls screaming at each other, give them a big smile and thumbs up, to say "Keep practicing girls! I'm sure you can figure it out!" and then go put in your ear protectors .

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). This summer, she is giving 3 popular talks at PEP, on "Setting Limits With Extra Challenging Children," "Helping Anxious Children," and "Motivating Children to Do Their Best." Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.

As a family therapist, I love communication and I've seen how it can connect people with love and understanding. But, family conversation can also become routine and boring between people who live together and who know each other very well. That's unfortunate, because asking personal questions and receiving non-answers in reply can easily be misinterpreted as, "He doesn't want to talk to me" or "She thinks that I'm being nosy."

I think the problem you and other parents experience when you ask the same question, "How was your day?" comes from the fact that it is such a routine question. For instance, when someone asks you the very routine question, "How are you?," you probably assume that they only want a very brief answer, without many details.

Shifting to questions that are more interesting will prompt a child's interest in giving answers that are more interesting. Asking different questions, about different topics, sends the signal that you are interested in your child's experiences and that you would really like to know more about them.

For young children, who are so skillful at living in the present, a question like "How did you do today?" is too broad and general. Younger children do better when they have specific prompts to help them remember interesting things that happened at different times during their day. Questions about details, such as "Who did you sit next to at circle time?," "Did anything surprising happen in school today?," or "What new things did you notice on your walk to school today?" will prompt your children to remember more and tell you about their day.

Middle-aged children are paying a lot of attention to their friends and the other students, and their most interesting stories are often about them. "Who got into trouble at school today?" is a question that always results in a good story! Other questions about friends and other kids can include, "Who is your best friend right now?," "What are your friends interested in these days?" and "What are the popular/unpopular kids doing these days?"

Another answer to the problem of asking kids about their day comes from parenting expert and author, Dr. Charles Fay. He recommends what he calls the "30 Minute Rule." Knowing that children watch what adults do and say very closely, his rule teaches children how to share the news of their day by modeling it for them.

So, for at least a couple of months, Dr. Fay recommends avoiding the temptation to ask your children any questions during the first 30 minutes when you see them at the end of the day. Instead, you can talk enthusiastically about your own day. For example, you might say: "Hi honey, it's good to see you. You'll never guess what I got to do today... And not only that, I learned...and I heard...and I couldn't wait to tell you about it. Gosh, I hope you had a great day, today, too!"

After doing this for a while, Dr. Fay predicts that, one day, you'll hear something like, "But Mom, let me go first! I want to tell you about my day!"

Thank you for your question, "Not Communicating." As social beings, we are all somewhat vulnerable when we say "good bye" and "hello again" to our loved ones. Learning how to share interesting conversations with your children about your times apart from each other is an important way to keep your family loving and strong.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). In May, she is leading an Open Forum Counseling session with a family on the topic of "Afraid to Try, Quick to Cry." Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.

It is great that you would like to do what you can to make the transition go well--but for the young toddler who is so firmly rooted in the present, she really needs very little in the way of preparation before the birth of her little sister.

For a child who is not yet 2 years old, her sense of her family is very much rooted in what she has right now: her own sweet self, "her" mommy, and "her" daddy. Your daughter, like most young children, will see no reason to change this very pleasant arrangement! She doesn't feel the "need" for a new baby sister; but, that doesn't mean that she won't eventually adjust to the presence of another child in her family.

The key is to remember that this adjustment is going to take place gradually over the next couple of years. During these years, your older daughter will be gradually developing the skills and abilities of an older toddler and preschooler, while the baby is simultaneously growing into a toddler. Therefore, there are likely to be many, many adjustments, as your older daughter learns to share her parents with first a little, tiny baby; and then with a bigger baby who laughs and smiles; and ultimately with a little sister who walks, talks, and wants to play with her big sister.

You can trust that your oldest daughter, like most children, will develop positive feelings for her sister. You can also trust that your oldest daughter will have her moments of frustration, jealousy, and anger about her little sister. It's all part of the emotional package that comes with living together in a family.

The best preparation you could do now, before the baby's birth, is actually more important for yourselves--not your daughter. The "Gesell Institute of Human Development" series of books about year-by-year child development is still probably the best guide there is for understanding your toddler's emotional needs. Reading these books will help you plan for the best ways to support your daughter as she deals with the arrival of her new baby sister.

Setting up and following comforting routines is always helpful for toddlers--whether there are significant changes in their lives or not. There is so much rapid change going on for the toddler physically and emotionally, it just makes sense to give them as stable and secure an environment as possible. Continuing with familiar routines with your toddler as much as possible, even with a new baby in the house, will give her important reassurance that her world and her place in her world are still secure.

Naming and accepting a toddler's many different emotions is also an important way to help your daughter through the coming transitions in your family. For instance, you might say to her, "It looks like you are feeling impatient and you don't like having to wait while Mommy finishes feeding the baby" or "When you gently pat the baby's cheek or tickle her feet, it looks like you really feel loving for your sister!" Describing your child's feelings in words to her helps your daughter learn the vocabulary of feelings. When you teach your children the skills to recognize and communicate their emotions respectfully, you are giving them an important skill for expressing all kinds of feelings in healthy and productive ways.

Ultimately, your daughter will take her cues from you both about how to "adjust" to her new baby sister. If you express calm confidence, in yourselves and in her, that this is a transition that everyone can weather well, she is most likely to follow your lead and to make a very smooth transition into life as a Big Sister.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP).

I have read a lot of parenting essays and often people wrote sentences like: "we thought we would never get them out of our room, but we just said one night, 'you have to sleep in your bed now' and after two nights, they stayed."

I have read a lot of childhood abuse memoir where people tell their parents about horrific experiences and the parents say "why didn't you tell me? I had no idea!"

I have had a lot of conversations with people from large families who sung praises to benign neglect, and who were quite certain that our labor intensive parenting styles will make it far harder for our children to know themselves realistically.

You cannot win. The balance lies before us but staying balanced between Scylla and Charibdis is difficult even with enough sleep and a supportive society.

All you can do is pay your money, make your choices and watch your kids grow into the fullness of their specific humanity. Life is imperfect, dangerous, has an unhappy ending in the best case, and is such an impossibly wondrerous experience to share with your successors.

My daughter has recently started to opt out of my evening reading sessions, preferring to read to herself. Was I proud? No. I was annoyed. I haven't finished my list of important things to read to her. But I have transmitted my own prickly independent style of learning, for better or for worse not being an issue. She is herself. I am myself. She is my kid. She also gets in half trouble for staying up late reading, as I did from my book loving mother. I can't wait to see what happens tonight when the trolley ride is over.

Rffff

-- Posted from a Cell Phone

It is so odd to walk in, a bit tired between the new job and the rushed tho fun bike rides, and have no idea what the day has been like. How does everyone do this?

-- Posted from a Cell Phone

It does turn out that being the paid person makes it a lot easier to have joint decisions go your way. It turns out that doing little things to keep your mind active during those days on the floor is a good idea. And it seems to be true that eight years of connection doesn't vanish even as the close daily interaction vanishes. If I could only find an ex-stay-at-home parents listserv that wasn't a divorce listserv.

I did have a few habits to adjust on return to the work force. It is very difficult to be animated about any topic other than programming or kids. They still talk about sports a lot. I tend to mop up spills more than the other guys. I still show up to work with binkies in my pocket fairly often and even extra underwear.

The feeling I had of being 10 times more efficient with my time than before kids seems to have faded along with the general intensity of everything as the kids grow.

Well, if this works I will probably reporting more often--tho shorter--during the trolley portion of my commute.

Take care of each other during the winter!

--Chris (posted by cell phone)

Teaching children basic good manners and courtesy is not that different from teaching a child how to ride a bike or how to make their own sandwich. Children learn very well from the consequences of "what works" and "what doesn't work" in social situations inside, and outside, of the home.

Most parents I know would like their child to "be good," but what is good behavior exactly? Is it responsibility? Is it acting thoughtfully? Or is it cooperation? In general, most parents consider children well behaved when their behavior does not create problems for family members or interfere with the family's ability to live well together. Any one person's act of rudeness or selfishness, for instance, may be directed at only one other member of the family. But, the whole family is going to suffer when a member of the family consistently behaves in a rude or selfish way.

photos by Julie Wiatt

This month, the Piney Branch Pool, the only public indoor pool in Montgomery County inside the beltway open to families, opens its doors once again. A Grand Opening was scheduled for January 6^th, with a plan for local officials to jump into the pool. Adventist Community Services of Greater Washington (ACSGW) will oversee the pool operations, filling the role left open when the YMCA shut down the pool 16 months ago. For the latest on pool hours and program scheduling, go to http://acsgw.org/pool.htm.

 

Mayor Bruce Williams and Piney Branch principal Bertram Generlette ("Mr G") took the plunge to celebrate the reopening of the pool. 

A coalition of informal "Save the Pool Committee" members met for over a year, trying to find a solution to the conundrum of how to preserve this unique resource in a time of scarce resources. County Councilmember George Leventhal led the effort, with support from Councilmembers Valerie Ervin and Marc Elrich, Board of Education member Chris Barclay, Takoma Park Mayor Bruce Williams and City Councilmembers including Colleen Clay, Josh Wright and Dan Robinson, City Recreation Committee members led by Kay Daniels-Cohen, and community, PTA and student activists. The students of Piney Branch Elementary school, who swim in the pool during gym class, gathered hundreds of names on petitions, and lobbied government officials. They pointed out that generations of Takoma Park and East Silver Spring natives first learned to swim in the Piney Branch Pool. 

The PBES community organized to reopen the pool. Shown here is student Heather DeMocker getting signatures for their petition at the Farmers Market in September 2007. 

Finally, City Councilmember Terry Seamens had a brainstorm and pitched the idea to ACSGW President Ron Wylie. Wylie's organization supports local families through a food bank, computer and English classes, and many other services. Wylie saw the abandoned pool at the heart of Maple Avenue as part of their mission. "We are honored to be asked by the community to yet again serve local low-income families in a way that promotes health, wellness and recreation," said Wylie.

Ron Wylie of Adventist Community Services addressed the crowd at the ceremonial opening of the PBES pool January 6. (Many of the teachers and speakers wore leis for the occasion.)

The County Council liked the idea of channeling funding for the pool through a community non-profit such as ACSGW and voted to approve funding that would allow for repairing the pool and reopening it this year. Robin Riley from the Aquatics Division of the County's Recreation Department coordinated the pool repairs, even installing new drain guards to bring the pool up to the latest safety codes.

Now that the pool is operating again, we need to prove to the County that they should continue funding the pool. That means using the pool, and showing the County that it is not obsolete just because it is small. "The pool is a great resource for both the school kids and community. It had been a real disappointment that it fell into disuse," says City Councilmember Seamens. "The reopening is great not just because it gives people an opportunity to swim, but it's a great community-building tool."

Already, we must begin the battle for funding to keep the pool open next year. Part of the reason the pool fell into disrepair is because nobody knew it was there. The pool is local, efficient, good for your body, and cheaper than going to the movies. In these dark days of winter, come swim with your neighbors and show the County that Maple Avenue deserves and needs this pool.  

Piney Branch 5th graders poolside at the ceremony.

Principal Intern Amy Alonso, Takoma Park Councilmember Terry Seamens, Board of Education member Chris Barclay, Adventist Community Services Director Ron Wylie.

Left to right: Director of County Recreation Gabe Albomoz, County Council President George Leventhal, Sue Katz Miller and Mayor Bruce Williams, still wet from his ceremonial plunge.

PBES principal Bertram Generlette slid down the slide in Olympic form to celebrate the pool opening.

* * * 

School Scene

by Sue Katz Miller

A few weeks before we elected Barack Obama as President, I happen to be walking the empty downtown streets of Birmingham, Alabama, with my husband, teenage daughter, and 11-year-old son, en route to the Civil Rights Institute. We are in town for a wedding, and my son is complaining about having to spend a sunny afternoon in a dark museum. I explain that he needs to understand more deeply the history of race in America, Jim Crow, the Ku Klux Klan, and the ghosts that haunt Birmingham. Then my son turns to me and asks, "What's the Ku Klux Klan?"

I quickly turn to feeling guilty for not educating my children better myself. We had marched against the Iraq War, and against global warming, and served meals to homeless women. How had I neglected to impart such essential information about the history of race relations? I flashed back ten years to when I used to entertain my young children with a video of Sweet Honey in the Rock performing their annual Martin Luther King Day concert. Then one day, my five-year-old daughter said, "Mama, don't play that tape. It makes me feel bad about being a white person." I decided maybe I had been too zealous in cramming my activist agenda down their throats. Why not let them be innocent children, and perhaps grow into a "post racial" future? Did I need to indoctrinate them with such heavy history?

Barack Obama and I are both 47 years old. For people our age, racial turbulence is not just history, but a vivid memory. When I was a child in Boston, black children were bused to my white public school, and white people threw rocks at the buses. Obama and I share a birth year, but I also like to think that we share membership in the hybridized future. We're both "mutts" as he put it recently, and proud of it too. I have one Jewish parent and one Christian parent. I see the world through both lenses, and have spent my life trying to build bridges between cultures. The very first time I heard Obama speak at the Democratic National Convention in 2004, I could not help seeing in this fellow intercultural child the embodiment of peacemaking, diplomacy, the ability to put yourself in another's shoes. Interracial, interfaith, immigrant children have these gifts thrust on them. The gifts can be a burden, but they can also inspire someone like Obama to break barriers and unite people.

As we make our way through the Civil Rights Institute, my children rapidly shed their innocence. A Klu Klux Klan robe and hood hangs limp and ghastly white inside a plexiglass case. My son is horrified by the photograph of boys his age, wearing those same garments, their hoods pushed back to reveal smiling faces as they stand in front of a burning cross. "But mom, why a cross? Isn't what they're doing against everything Christianity stands for?" Yes, exactly. At least he is benefiting from his education in both Judaism and Christianity.

Then we lean against the bars of an actual cell from the Birmingham jail and stare in at a spare cot as we listen to Dr. King's voice reading the famous letter he wrote while he was held there: "you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people." My children are hushed, struggling to imagine segregation. I think of the two Obama girls, who lost their white great-grandmother only days before the election. If they spend the next eight years in the White House, will they, will all little girls, grow up free of such bitterness?

Inscribed "I ain't afraid of your jail," this sculpture commemorates the 1963 Children's March to protest the arrest of Dr. King in Birmingham.

At the Civil Rights Institute, the grainy television segments and black and white news clippings of lunch counters, firehoses, police dogs, seem like ancient history to my children. I keep exclaiming, "1963, I was born already then! 1968, I remember when that happened..." But they are growing up in such a different time, in such a multicultural place, going to public schools where white children are the minority. A part of me finds it thrilling that they find the "Civil Rights era" so safely distant. A part of me is deeply troubled, because I know it is not so distant at all. As we emerge from the museum, an African-American woman exits just behind us and calls out warmly to me, "Don't be so depressed!" Perhaps she feels Obama's call, uniting us. But there, just across the street from the Institute, stands the 16th Street Baptist Church, where four little girls died in a Ku Klux Klan bombing in 1963. They were 11 and 14 years old, the exact ages of my children. I shudder.

The 16th Street Baptist Church, across the street from the Civil Rights Institute. Four girls died in the bombing of the church in 1963

The next day, we drive into the Alabama countryside. My daughter is reading To Kill a Mockingbird in ninth grade. We stop to take a picture of a small town courthouse with Greek columns that looks very much like the one described in that seminal Alabama novel about race and justice. It feels like we are driving back in time, or through a movie set. We see a field of cotton, and pull over so that the kids can run out and gather souvenirs. They are delighted by the fluffy whiteness. I am uncomfortable as I photograph them bending down to pick the bolls. They are unaware of any irony, oblivious to the strange harmonic vibrations given off by the image of white children picking cotton.

But then, everything feels different after this election, as if we have finally reversed some historical tide. A black, biracial President is heading to the White House. My daughter, 14, is already excited about casting her first vote to reelect Obama in 2012. Her little brother is jealous, because he won't be old enough. He wants to know if we can amend the constitution so that Obama can have a third term, and then he can vote for him too. As consolation, I take him into the voting both with me, and when no one is looking, I let him touch the screen to cast my precious ballot. Driving home from the poll, he says, "Mom, when they look back in history, the era of discrimination will start with slavery and end in 2008." If only it were so. Clearly, we have some more educating to do. I meet his soaring hope with skepticism, and yet I cannot help feeling an involuntary rush, as if I am being lifted into the air.

Some children's temperaments just seem "easier" than others to the people who spend time around them, but no temperament is the best or the most desirable. Child development experts have demonstrated that responding sensitively to children with even the most difficult temperaments can change not only a child's personality and behavior for the better--it can actually improve the way a child's nervous system works.
Every temperament has its advantages and disadvantages. Molly, for example is very sociable and outgoing, but her impulsivity and quick temper also get her into trouble. Teresa is a thoughtful and careful child, who likes to look before she leaps. This trait usually helps Teresa avoid trouble, but it can also hold her back and make it harder for her to take risks that are easy for other children.

Understanding differences in temperaments can help parents appreciate their child's unique way of interacting with their family and their world. Interestingly, researchers have found that the personalities or temperaments children have inherited are not necessarily fixed for life. Even the most strong-willed or anxious child can grow and learn how to compromise or face life courageously.

When parents understand how their child is likely to approach and interpret their world, they are in a better position to support their child's efforts in learning how to adapt and fit in with others.

Molly's parents, for example, will have their work cut out for them in teaching her how to slow down and be more patient. Molly will also need a lot of encouragement to learn how solve her problems without blowing her temper. For instance, Molly's parents might teach her how to take a "positive time out" to cool off and calm down--not as a punishment, but as a way to regain her self-control.

Teresa's parents have the challenge of teaching their daughter to be bolder and to take more risks. By working at Teresa's speed, they can gradually introduce her to new challenges and adventures. As Teresa takes small steps out of her comfort zone, she will gradually gain more and more experiences of courage. For instance, Teresa's parents might give her the money, and ask her to go to the counter of her favorite fast food restaurant to order for them while they smile encouragingly from their booth.
Many of the biological attributes we inherit can give us positive advantages in life--such as curiosity or a naturally cheerful disposition. Other biological attributes can make our life more challenging--such as stubbornness or a fearful temperament. Either way, it is ultimately up to each child to find the best use of their strengths--and the best way to compensate for or overcome their weaknesses. Biological inheritance is just the starting point - not the ultimate destination--as long as each child finds a way to use both their strengths and their challenges with creativity and courage.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.