No harm
On a listserv I'm on, someone just asked what to do about her child who had started hitting her when she tried to do things like get clothes on the child or you know leave the house within 4 hours of waking up. I couldn't really contribute any advice I found useful, but I had this story to share. It's only funny if you've ever had your child be hit and found yourself feeling extremely happy because he wasn't the hitting one.
My son hits me and other kids when he's angry (hey, 18 months ago it was biting, so I'm happy). I just want to describe a moment that keeps coming up.
Some kid will take something from him or push him or whatever (and my son is bigger and more solid for his age than many), and hundreds or thousands of repetitions of "Ow, that hurts", "No, you may not hit him, tell him what that you don't like that," "We are going to the other room until you can play without hitting", "Look at her face, she is sad because you poked her cheek." etc., etc., etc., pay off and instead of hitting, he bellows out in his angriest, loudest voice, "I DON'T LIKE THAT!" (often with a leaning towards the kid body posture). The other little kid is absolutely terrified by this use of words, but he wasn't hit.
Do I give my son a big high five for using his words? Do I say, brightly, "You used your words to say you didn't like that"? Do I say, "Dude, like the words, but that tone, I think I lost some hearing, and look at his face, he is scared of the loud yell." Or do they merit one, "Nice use of words" and then a bunch of "Let's use our words more quietly"? Maybe alternating? Does it depend if the mother of the other kid is like, 'Nice use of words, big boy" or "Oh, Bartholomew is scared, what's wrong with your kid?"
No answers. I just try to keep paying attention very closely, so that I can move my head out of the way when I'm going to be hit and can reach down and interpose my arm in front of the victim child. When I'm slow or inattentive is when we get trouble. Also I just immediately leave the other area if either the other kid or the other parent is upset. We apologize and leave. Not really as a parenting method but as an avoiding unpleasant situations with other adults method.
My daughter grew out of it, and my son has progressed from biting, to less and less hitting (he just started at a coop, and the teacher reports it takes more and more provocation for him to abandon words).
Honestly, before we had kids I had a very idealistic view that non-violence is the naturally obvious choice at all times. Now I'm discovering that a real commitment to non-violence is not easy nor obvious, and I am actually relieved that the world is not in far worse shape, violence-wise, than it it.
And to all you folks out there stuggling with similar things, thank you for creating a safer and less violent society for the future tomorrow. And don't get hit on the eyeball, that really smarts.